I rush to my closet and pull out these striped pants that I got on sale from Zara over the weekend. The thought of putting them on and facing the world with my new item of clothing just thrilled me! I look in the mirror. I stare at the outfit I had just pieced together like an artist examining his painting. Tilting my head side to side, twisting my body in all sorts of forms, grazing the fabric of my pants making sure I am ready to face the world.? The dazzle in my eyes tells me I’m ready to leave.
As I stroll through the sidewalks throughout the day, I am confronted by something familiar. Something I have encountered my whole life. It provokes an uneasy emotion that turns my world upside down. The stare. The stare from people on the streets who look at me with: might it be wonder, curiosity, disgust or judgement? One will never know I suppose. Instantly, the smile I walked out the door with drifts away with the wind. The self-confidence that was present in every atom of myself this morning, suddenly flutter away like the butterflies that was in my stomach this morning.
It’s because of my pants I say to myself in frustration. I stand out too much. I want to take them off! I want to go back home and hide. What was I thinking? Wearing such a thing. Disgust, self-hate and shame is what now covers my body. Paranoia? No, because when I wear something plain I successfully blend in. It’s when I start wearing things that are not commonly seen in public that I attract such stares.
I admit that over the years I have improved in how I deal with them. Recalling one time when I actually went back home in the middle of the day to change what I was wearing. Yet it still strikes me to encounter these eyes when I wear something considered out of the ordinary.
The battle with the stares is something I and many struggle with. Whether it’s with clothes or physical attributes, when you diverge from what is accepted in society, you receive such stares. We must pick which battles we fight but I tell you that there is no choice at all. The only battle that is the most important, the only one, is the one against yourself. Never forget your true feelings and how you felt. The happiness when I wore those pants should be the only feeling that I should value because it came from me. The self-hatred that was ignited by the stares should be validated and recognizes but immediately tossed away. Society can hugely influence how you interpret your feeling but it can never truly change how you feel. Those pants gave me confidence and a daring spirit. I cannot let society or any other factor ignite a battle with myself.
The eyes you see on the sidewalks are insignificant. The most powerful pair and the ones you should only be concerned of are the ones that stare back at you in the mirror.
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